Mark. It’s me, Stef. We have a few things to discuss, numbered in priority below. Please read and holler back [orangechuglad@gmail.com].
1. It’s no surprise to me that with 4 zazillion dollars to your name that you’ve managed to stay single. Why? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you enabled crazy girls to dare I say, get crazier. Facebook has its list of accolades when it comes to connecting people and bringing together estranged family and friends (which most people would probably complain about to begin with, but more on that later) but you allow people to delete wall posts? Have you swallowed your brain along with your dick Mark?
Now, writing on someone’s wall yield a plethora of emotions, including embarrassment if they don’t respond, embarrassment if they do respond, yada yada yada… however, when the other person flat out DELETES your wall post how else could you possibly respond except this way:
A letter to Mark. I mean honestly? WHO DELETES WALL POSTS.
And THEN, Mark has the audacity to email me back asking for “a screenshot of the problem.” UM HELLO MARK, IF I HAD A SCREENSHOT OF THE WALL POST, IT WOULDN’T BE DELETED.
iiiiiijiots.
Ugh, not revisiting that trauma, but thanks Mark, really, thanks. I blame you entirely for the demise of this relationship.
Yust yoshin. Kind of.
[side note: in attempting to undo and redo text, I just figured out the option and z keys equal this Ω. wahooo! Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω. What is this? No but seriously, how do you undo slash redo something? Ω? Anyone? Ω Ω. Welp.]
[side note 2: if the above sentence isn't a direct prerequisite for an Adderall prescription, I'm moving to Harlem and selling my body to science.]
2. Why on God’s not-so-green earth would you ever in a zazillion years recommend people to be friends with? And don’t blab on about how Facebook connects people. You of all people know that it is the number one stalking tool in the universe and whoever says otherwise is probably the genius behind deleting wall posts. But Lord knows we don’t need to get back into that.
The fact that Facebook recommends that you become friends with people who have a few mutual friends with you is preposterous. No I don’t want to be any further connected than I already am to my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, regardless of how many friends in common we may have. Dagger to the heart, Mark.
However, if you could point out the guy I woke up next to on Sunday afternoon, that’d be great. I have quite a fuzzy memory about anything and everything other than the fact that he lives dangerously close to an Anthropologie. Sorry Florence, I guess the dog days aren’t quite over.
3. When does it become appropriate to defriend people on facebook? I’m not particularly well versed in getting rid of people being that every boy I’ve so much as kissed is still an active entry in my address book and is subject to a drunk text every once in a while (except that boy from the Bahamas senior year…what was his name? yikes 2005 was quite the year). But when people start facebooking their families on Farmville…adios. We ALL know how I feel about assinine bloggers. And correctly spelling the word asinine.
Well Mark, I’d say you have a lot to think about before I get diarrhea of the keyboard and decide to write you a novel.
xoxoxo,
Concerned
